"All of You...

…is more than enough, for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.”

            I would sing the words, but I didn’t really believe them. In fact, the way I was living said that I believed the exact opposite of what I would sing.

            I am so amazed and thankful that my God is caring enough for me that He would bring me to face the things that I do wrong, again and again.  Satan works so hard to get us to believe lies without our realizing that we are believing lies!

            I know that I cannot be alone in this, so I encourage all of you, my sisters to frequently ask God to show you any errors in your thoughts that have begun to lead you to believe lies about God.

            As for me, I am ashamed to say that these lies have been a part of my thought life for a long time. I could try to absolve myself of guilt and say that I didn’t know that I was believing those lies, but that would only make it worse. I am a professing Christian, my job is to know the Truth more intimately than I know anything else.

            Yet, I believe that the lies Satan helps us to swallow are made more attractive by the influences around us. There are millions of women around the world held in bondage to food, I am not alone, and there are tons of advertisements for the ‘miracle diet pill’ everywhere you look. Most of them advocate for themselves by telling us that ‘we are worth it’. These, my dear sisters are lies. We are worth NOTHING apart from Christ! He is the only reason we can even lift ourselves from lying in the muck of our sin and shame. His beauty is the only beauty we should ever aspire to.

            More than anything, I long to be known as someone enamored with Christ, intoxicated by the Word of God and wrapped up in prayer. I know I have a long way to go, and the path will not be smooth or easy, but I embrace that. I am tired of being the woman I was under the illusion of my own self-worth. Pampering myself and giving my stomach and flesh free reign brought absolutely no happiness into my life. On the contrary I struggled with feeling torn in two, swinging between extremes of starving myself and gorging on junk food, prostrating myself before God and silencing the cries of my spirit with YouTube videos. In the past two days I have denied my body extra sleep, suffered attacks of headaches and nausea when I tried to work out. Sacrificing my own personal comfort, I recognized these as attacks and instead of pampering my flesh like before, I surrendered to obedience to my Saviour and Lord, to find true peace.

            Everywhere we look today we are told that the only lords in our lives should be ourselves, our own needs and wants, the problem is that we allow these influences too much space in our lives.

            My mother is purging her house right now. There is a slight possibility that she and my father might move in the future, but ‘just in case’ she has been getting rid of all the excess stuff that has piled up over the years. She is making room for moving.

            Did you ever make room for Jesus? Did you clear a space in your life for Him, or did you just invite Him in and tell Him that He could find a spot to perch in amongst all the other clutter you had collected? That is what I did. It was inconvenient to change my habits and while I wanted the peace that Jesus gives, I really didn’t want to completely rearrange for Him.

            How wrong I was! If you are at all convicted along with me, I challenge you to join my husband and I as we put away evil influences from before us for 40 days. We will not spend time on our computers doing anything other than blogging, checking e-mail (there is a time limit) and work (my husband does some graphic design work.) For the majority of the day our machines will be locked in a chest, and we will be free to talk, read godly literature, and spend time with God. We are using this time to reshape our habits and to focus our hearts on God and our relationship. Priority #1 My relationship with God. Priority #2 My relationship with my husband.

            

Refreshing Rain

As I write this, the silver rains are streaming past my window, pattering on the small cement patio outside, preparing the earth for spring. I walked home in this rain and it felt wonderfully restorative. I feel awakened, renewed, ready to bless God for all the amazing things He has done in my life. 

            Recently, while I was reading up on fasting and other spiritual disciplines, I came across an article about journaling. This article was in the online magazine, Set Apart Girl, which I strongly recommend you check out if you are so inclined. The author wrote about journaling in her life having become a way through which she could track the proof of God’s goodness through her life. Not only were her journals places to write prayers, dreams and fears, but they were records of God’s faithfulness. Her article ended with, “Does not His faithfulness deserve a monument in each of our lives?” I was struck by that comment. It is so easy for us small little humans to get stuck in the whirlpool of our own wants, need insecurities, and journeys that we forget to give tribute to Whom it is due.

            Though this blog is for struggling through the tough questions, for wrestling with truth, I never want to forget the One who stands beside us. We may feel as though we are grappling with stone as we try to figure out the person of God, yet if we only stopped dashing ourselves against Him in our hurry to figure it all out NOW, He would draw us into an eternal embrace, revealing His character to us in His own time and way, gently molding our character without ever breaking His precious clay vessels.

            God’s tenderness overwhelms me. As I am writing this blog, I took time to steep myself in His Word and I came across these words.

            John 16:13

            Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come he will guide you into all truth; for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will show you things to come.

            “He will guide you into all truth.” These journeys that we walk, the struggles we face, these are a monument to the Father’s faithfulness. Journaling may be a great way for some to remember these daily monuments, others may find different ways to do so, but the important thing is that we remember. Remember His faithfulness, kindness, goodness, blessings and gentle leadings.

The Inconvenience of Christianity

            I don’t always like it when God comes knocking at the door of my heart. Sometimes God shows me things that I have misunderstood, not done well, or simply not done.

            I would like to think of myself as a strong Christian, and often it seems as though people think of me that way. Yet, I often struggle with feeling like a failure, feeling distant from God, weak, and without hope of walking in a truly upright way before Him. Here in the west it is easy to think that Christianity should be like any other part of our life. Church fits into a schedule, it is neat, reliable, fits into a time commitment, and often becomes a convenient way to engage in ‘faith’. Even our daily devotions can fall into that routine. 7 AM, read 2 chapters of John, look at prayer list and think thankful thoughts, and then get dressed and go on with daily life. If there is ever the sense that this is not enough, it is easily quenched by the knowledge that as far as all appearances go, we are doing all the ‘right’ things.

            Christianity is not supposed to be easy. Everyone still with me so far? Good. Now let me try a new one on you. Christianity is not supposed to be convenient. Convenience is such a staple of our lives today. Very little in our lives today requires a concentrated denial of self, a steady, long-term work ethic that few people around us understand. We are used to fast-food, access to any piece of information within our pockets. We take world-wide travel and communication for granted, pleasure has become an every-day pursuit rather than an occasional experience. Our whole lives tend to be motivated by the paths of least resistance. I know mine usually is.

            Today God has awakened my heart to the truth of convenience. Convenience is a tool Satan uses to work apathy, disinterest, and spiritual death in our lives. I know those words are strong, but I know deep within my soul that God has something He wants to work through me, but the only way it will happen is if I start embracing the inconvenience of Christianity.

            My shame is that I so often think I should be able to have time in my life when God leaves me alone. I still am tempted to want to be in control of my own life. It was not convenient for Jesus to go to the cross for my sins. It was not convenient for God to send His only Son to the Earth. Why should my life be easy? Why should living to God’s glory and giving Him thanks be easy? Jesus never said it would be easy, so why do we have this thinking that living the Christian life won’t give us any great inconvenience? Reading Tortured for Christ by Richard Wurmbrand has opened my eyes to the wonderful beauty brought into the lives of Christians by suffering.

            For me, the inconvenience of Christianity includes giving God sovereignty over how I spend my time. I have read in many places that the one way to experience great growth and sensitivity to spiritual matters is by fasting. I am engaged to sing at an anniversary service on Sunday, and I want to be able to be used by God in that performance. So tomorrow starting in the morning (no breakfast) until after that performance, I am going to fast and pray. Nothing but water will pass my lips.

            I am fully aware that Satan will put me through the ringer tomorrow. I have no thoughts that tomorrow will be easy. I simply pray tonight that I will be given the grace to endure and that God will cleanse me, bringing to mind sins to confess and ways to change my thinking in order to come closer to God.

            I ask for your prayers for tomorrow. Pray that I will not be distracted from my purpose, and that God will reveal His purpose for my life to me. 

I Felt on Top of the World!

            It feels like a month has passed since I wrote to you, my sisters in Christ. I have missed you! Please know that you can contact me at any time, telling me any story about how God is working in your life. I would love to pray for you in your seasons of growing, praise with you in the times when God does wonderful and amazing things in your lives!

            God has just done something wonderful in my life. I got a job today doing what I love to do! I have had a dream for a long time to be a music teacher, and to have a studio where I could develop a curriculum for music and teach. There is a studio in the city where I live that contracts with independent music teachers, offering them the space and administrative services there in return for a cut of the teacher’s income. It is a wonderful setup because I do not have to advertise, and I get help with scheduling, which is wonderful. God truly worked this out in an amazing way. My pastor was over on Monday night visiting with my husband and I. When we prayed together, he prayed for my work situation, asking God for a way for me to pursue my dreams and get out of the job I have now. The next day, I get a phone call from this studio asking me if I am available, and would I be able to come down for an interview? Today, the next day after the phone call, I went down for the interview, really enjoyed getting to know the manager there, and signed the contract!

            Walking home, I felt on top of the world. I prayed as I was walking home, “Lord, please keep this moment alive in my heart. Help me to enjoy all the steps that will come after this. I know it will not all be perfect, but I know that You are in control.”

            It is amazing feeling your dreams come true! The best part for me though, is knowing that I am not forcing it to happen. I know that God is leading me every step of the way, and because I know that I also know that through this He is making His name known in the world. I am so humbled that God would choose to work through me, it inspires me to work harder, to truly live a life worthy of the word ‘Christian’. 

            I began this blog wanting to dig into the mystery as to why Christian women with powerful gifts seem to run into huge walls and opposition to their gifts. I don’t know that I have really made any big discoveries in that field; it could turn into a life-long study. However, I have noticed patterns in my own life. When I make a decision ahead of time to do something in my life that will bring me closer to God, Satan will attack. These attacks are subtle, and even though I have begun to identify them, I still can’t realize what they are in the middle of one. Usually it comes in the form of a headache, generally feeling blue and irritable, and not motivated. My husband is a wonderful help in realizing these attack for what they truly are, and loving me in spite of my bad behaviour sometimes. Today has shown me that if we are sensitive to God’s working in our lives, He will give us the opportunity to serve Him with our gifts, and what a mountaintop feeling it is!

            Love, grace and strength to you all!

Fortitude

            If you are at all like me, you probably have no idea what that word means. I only learned of this wonderful word because of a Christmas present my husband bought me. On the Shoulders of Hobbits: the Road to Virtue with Tolkein and Lewis by Louis Markos contains a chapter titled ‘The Courage to Endure’. Fortitude expresses the steadiness of character that is lacking so often in our lives today. Frodo is probably one of the best examples of fortitude. With everything set against him, he faithfully sets one foot in front of the other, heading towards a mountain that in all likelihood will defeat him. Now, while sometimes I feel like Frodo, I know that because I am a child of God, I do not tread a road towards my ultimate demise. On the contrary, I tread the only road towards happiness, blessing, and grace for all eternity! The path might be filled with obstacles, and they might even be large and scary obstacles, but those obstacles will run out, and then, oh then the gate to the Celestial City!

            I find myself thinking about fortitude today, mostly because I have had a pretty rough weekend. I was ill, and as you ladies can probably identify with, emotionally a wreck. While there is a perfectly logical explanation for these ridiculous mood swings, when I am in the midst of them it seems as though I am stuck in a whirlpool with no way out. Looking back on those hours of almost despair, I wonder if they would be lessened by a greater portion of fortitude in my life. Practicing fortitude, the steady, everyday courage of knowing that each step is as important as the last, well it doesn’t really exist in my life. Yet, I don’t think classical scholars would have included it in the list of virtues if it truly had no value in life.

            I pray for you, my sisters, that God would pour an extra measure of fortitude in your life. May we learn together the value of steady endurance, courage that only is revealed after years of constant effort. In our world today, it is easy to get caught up in the instant reward of so many things. I challenge you this week to look for the things that have taken years to accomplish and think about how valued those accomplishments are to you.

Victory Song

Dear Sisters in Christ,

            I have a wonderful thing to share with you today. Jesus is LORD Hallelujah!

            Last night, Satan mounted a sneak attack on my soul. Fear is an area where this King of Lies easily gets a foothold, and this was the gateway he made use of.

            I had a bad day yesterday. I didn’t feel well, had a really bad headache that just wouldn’t quit, and in general felt horrible. My husband put some hot tea in me, and tucked me into bed, fully anticipating that a night of good deep sleep would fix all wrongs.

            Little did we anticipate how the enemy could strike when all defenses were down. I had a terrible nightmare last night. Satan gave me a dream, which, if possible, seemed even more real than reality. When I initially woke up I thought I had just lived through a horrible memory! As wives there is always the potential for fear that our husbands will leave us to find someone more attractive, skinny, athletic. I did not say there is always the fear, but that there is always the potential for the fear. This is what Satan preyed on last night. I am not going to share the details, mostly because it took me a long time to get the images out of my head last night, and I am in no way going to open myself to put them back in there.

            The amazing part of this story begins when I began to weep on my husband’s shoulder, and he woke up. Now, if Satan’s plan had worked, upon finding my crying on him in the middle of the night, my husband would have been extremely put out that I woke him up in the middle of the night. We would have gotten into a huge fight, and Satan would have succeeded in driving us apart. But what happened instead, was that Jesus imbued my husband with a wonderful measure of grace, so that he asked me what was wrong, listened, and understood immediately that Satan was attacking us. Still showing mercy and grace to me, he prayed over me, talked to me and helped me realize that there was no truth to what had happened in my dream. Because Christ poured His love over my husband, I was able to fall asleep with visions of guardian angels filtering out all the evil dreams Satan tried to send.

            I am so thankful to God for His mercy. I am humbled by my wonderful husband’s actions, and am blessed by his gentleness. God is victorious, sisters, and He will give us victory too!

Yours in Christian Victory, Rachel

Confession Time

I am tired. I am tired, and frustrated, sick of feeling weak and helpless. This week has been really hard. I have been struck more than once, by my crushing need of God, and worse, by how often I shrug off that need and try to walk without my Father’s hand to guide me. Really, it is no wonder that I feel tired, my spirit is probably black and blue from all the times I have fallen down on my face by trying to walk on my own.

            I don’t know if any of you struggle with this, but the moment that I am struck by how much I need God, I start to come up with all these ways to keep myself more in His presence. I look at my life and realize how much time I devote to things other than serving God and spending time in His presence, and I get depressed. In response, I try to fix myself.

            In writing that I realize that likely my trying to fix myself is part of the problem. I don’t need a 5, 6, 7, or 11 step program to give myself all the rights habits. Not that building more godly habits is bad, but it won’t fix everything.

            I NEED God, and where do I find Him? In prayer, and in His Word. When I feel the crushing weight of my need of Him, I need to turn my eyes on Him, throw myself at His feet in prayer, and into His Word. Only this will bring me closer to Him, and allow Him to fix my faltering feet. Only HE can fix me. I cannot fix myself.

            God, I pray that I will remember to always throw myself at Your feet when I feel the crushing weight of my need of You. Please remind me that I cannot fix anything, only You can fix me, only You can fix anything that is broken. You are the healer, and I am the patient, not the other way around. Forgive me for treating You as though You were only the medicine, and not the Doctor.

            Please work Your perspective in my life, that I may see the world around me with Your eyes. I can pray this only because of Christ paying the ransom for my sins. In His Name, Amen.

“Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a Righteous person is powerful and effective.”  James 5:13-16